One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Half the people you know are below average.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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