Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Is there another word for synonym?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Alarms: What an octopus is.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
What do people in China call their good plates?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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