He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Is there another word for synonym?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
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