Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Half the people you know are below average.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
What do people in China call their good plates?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
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