Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Is there another word for synonym?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Half the people you know are below average.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
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