Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
What do people in China call their good plates?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Is there another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Half the people you know are below average.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
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