Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Half the people you know are below average.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Is there another word for synonym?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
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