The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Half the people you know are below average.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
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