Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Is there another word for synonym?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Half the people you know are below average.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
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