A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Is there another word for synonym?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
What do people in China call their good plates?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Half the people you know are below average.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
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