Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
What do people in China call their good plates?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Is there another word for synonym?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
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