How is it possible to have a civil war?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Is there another word for synonym?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
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