Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
What do people in China call their good plates?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Is there another word for synonym?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
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