Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Is there another word for synonym?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Half the people you know are below average.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
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