Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Is there another word for synonym?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Half the people you know are below average.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
What do people in China call their good plates?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.