Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
What do people in China call their good plates?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
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