If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Is there another word for synonym?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Half the people you know are below average.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
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