Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Is there another word for synonym?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Half the people you know are below average.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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