Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Half the people you know are below average.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Is there another word for synonym?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
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