A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Is there another word for synonym?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Half the people you know are below average.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
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