The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Is there another word for synonym?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
What do people in China call their good plates?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
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