How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Half the people you know are below average.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Is there another word for synonym?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
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