Is there another word for synonym?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Half the people you know are below average.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
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