Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Is there another word for synonym?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Half the people you know are below average.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
What do people in China call their good plates?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
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