Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Is there another word for synonym?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
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