If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Is there another word for synonym?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
What do people in China call their good plates?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Half the people you know are below average.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Banning the bra was a big flop.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
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