Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Is there another word for synonym?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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