If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Is there another word for synonym?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Half the people you know are below average.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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