A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Half the people you know are below average.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Alarms: What an octopus is.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Is there another word for synonym?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
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