How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What do people in China call their good plates?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Half the people you know are below average.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
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