Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is there another word for synonym?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What do people in China call their good plates?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
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