Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Half the people you know are below average.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
What do people in China call their good plates?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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