A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Half the people you know are below average.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
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