Alarms: What an octopus is.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Is there another word for synonym?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Half the people you know are below average.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
What do people in China call their good plates?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.