How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.