If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Is there another word for synonym?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Half the people you know are below average.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
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