Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
What do people in China call their good plates?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Is there another word for synonym?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Half the people you know are below average.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
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