Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Is there another word for synonym?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Half the people you know are below average.
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