Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Half the people you know are below average.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Is there another word for synonym?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
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