When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Half the people you know are below average.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Is there another word for synonym?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
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