What do people in China call their good plates?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Half the people you know are below average.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Is there another word for synonym?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.